Tomorrow, my only child is marrying what she thinks is the man of her dreams.

I should be happy for her. I'm not. The truth is, I don't like my daughter very much.

She's recently sent me a litany of my sins as a mother, things I'm well aware of, but can do nothing about at this late date. To be perfectly honest, I don't feel guilt, regret, or shame. All she had to do was open her mouth, and answer my questions honestly, and things would have been much different. I'm not entirely without feeling, this animosity shouldn't be, and I own my part in it. OK, I fucked up. I made the wrong choices. I thought I was doing what was best for her.

Again child, all you had to do was open your mouth and say yes. You would have been a different person, a better person, a more honest person.

BUT... and there is always a but... I don't think the 5 children you gave birth to would exist as they are, and that I would never, ever want to change. Despite you, they are bright, beautiful and so full of love. My eldest granddaughter JB is 19, and is heartbroken and terrified, and that scares me to death. She's and so very deep and dark and beautiful and free. I wish she weren't so influenced by you. I wish you, my daughter, would stop trying to be her 'cool' friend and be her mother.

She doesn't want this wedding to happen either. That seems to be the consensus, nobody knows him, nobody accepts him, yet your 3 youngest children have no choice but to live with him if they want to be with you.

You have never been on your own with any of your children. Ever.

That's sad.

more later...